Jul 25, 2024

Got Me Feeling So Cheesy Right Now

Brie-oncé is not a subscriber to Cheddar's daily Need2Know newsletter, as far as I (need2) know. But if she were, she would, I'm sure, enjoy the fact that her name can easily up our weekly quotient of cheese puns, with the chart going stratospheric the nearer we get to the Brie-kend. Meanwhile, in unrelated news, my favorite piece of reader response this week has been: "I love how unhinged this newsletter has gotten."

We are barely getting started, Kaitlin P.! Pull up a fondue fork and let's get stuck in!

The major news this morning is that Wall Street has greeted Tesla's and Alphabet's underwhelming profit reports (they were down 11.4% and 4.3% respectively) with all the enthusiasm you might give to a platter of sweaty gorgonzola that's been left out in the heat too long. Unless you're into that. The broader S&P 500 melted down 1.6% as a result, with investors still concerned that Big Tech continues to be the too-big-cheese on the stock market's overall platter. More details on these companies' performances in today's 'sletter. The cheddlines:

🎶 If you liked it then you should-a Feta ring on it 🎶

Matt Davis, N2K Chedditor

P.S. My sweet Lord, what is that on our Instagram? It's a sneak peek at the Olympics "anti-intimacy beds" for athletes! That's what!

P.P.S If you'd like to weigh in on Need2Know, or just give us some more cheese puns because it's beginning to string us out at this point, just coming up with new ones on our own, every single day, without your glorious assistance, then we're here for it. Just reply to the email or leave a comment on LinkedIn. Best news-related cheese pun also wins a cheddar-colored medal. And that's GOLD, baby. Snoop-Doggy-Olympics-style.

1. Ain't Nothing But an Olympic Thang

It is remarkable that a hip-hop artist whose rhymes tend to focus on subjects that are less than family friendly has broken through so remarkably into the global mainstream. Still, Snoop Dogg is gearing up to blaze through Paris on Friday night with the Olympic torch! He'll carry it on its last stage to the Tuileries Gardens, where it will stay lit for the duration. But as he once almost sang, it ain't no fun if ~~the homies~~ Celine Dion can't have none! She's also ready for her first live performance (at the opening ceremony) since her Stiff Person Syndrome diagnosis last December. Let's hope it's all coming back to her, now? Watch Now

2. Secret Service Director Resigns After Failing to Achieve the Thing the Secret Service Is Supposed to Achieve

Secret Service director Kimberly Cheatle has stepped down after Congress gave her the grilled-cheese treatment this week over the assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump during his recent campaign rally. Cheatle, whose name doesn't exactly inspire confidence, took up the role in August 2022, and has now taken it down, accepting responsibility for what is being called one of the gravest security lapses in recent times.

Trump's would-be assassin, Thomas Matthew Crooks (again, if last names could predict character), managed to bypass security and open fire on 45 from just yards away, despite prior security warnings to the Secret Service. Crooks had Googled JFK's assassination in the weeks running up to the event, and even walked onto the grounds beforehand with a rifle and a laser scope on display. People were yelling at law enforcement "there's a man with a gun on the roof!" for several minutes. Clint "In the Line of Fire" Eastwood they were not. Watch Now

From @cheddar

Sneak peek of the 2024 Olympics sleeping arrangement. 🛏️🥇

We got an exclusive look at @airweaveusa's fully recyclable cardboard beds for the 2024 Olympics with COO Brett Thornton.

First introduced during the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, some athletes have criticized the beds, claiming that they were designed to "discourage intimacy" among athletes. Not that it ever works, apparently, what with all the endorphins and highly-trained athletic bodies flying around.

However, the mattress offers customizable features such as three different modules for firmness and adjustability for height. The luxury firm bed aims to align the spine and provide athletes with a longer and deeper sleep experience. We said SLEEP experience. D'ya hear?

#Olympics #Paris2024

Follow @cheddar on Instagram!

3. Tesla Shares Are Down a Bit, But They're Still Up a Lot

The electric vehicle powerhouse has hit a rough patch with Q2 profits down 45% to a paltry $1.5 billion (which is less than half the value of the Rock's entire tequila brand, of which more momentarily). Still, Tesla has seen a 40% stock surge since May's end as investors buy into Elon Musk's vision to pivot Tesla towards an AI powerhouse, envisioning robotaxis and humanoid manufacturing robots. It's almost like he can just take some of his favorite drugs and riff on themes from Fritz Lang's Metropolis and investors are guaranteed to go "ahhh."

But not today! Today investors said, "Hold on a minute. That smells a bit rum!" and wiped 10% off Tesla's share price. I once had some Tesla stock, come to think of it, in my Stash account. It doubled in value, then I sold it. Then I spent the money paying my state income tax, which isn't something Elon Musk needs to worry about, now he's moved to Texas (which chooses not to have a state income tax but whose residents are still held to the exact same standards of federal income tax as everyone else). The universe is a mystery, isn't it?

Good old American competition is the cause of Tesla's profit troubles. Pressure is mounting on EV sales as the market becomes increasingly crowded and Tesla's U.S. market share slips below 50%. The firm saw a 4.8% dip in electric car sales and a 14% decrease in production over the period. Tesla plans to lay of 14,000 employees (presumably to replace them with humanoid robots?) and slash car prices to cut costs and drive demand, but the company is evidently at a crossroads of sorts.

Elon Musk was also spotted in Congress yesterday afternoon, although he wouldn't tell anybody what he was doing there. Maybe trying to sell Bernie Sanders a replacement for his 2010 Subaru?

On experience, one wouldn't necessarily bet against Musk to find a way through all this noise. He's famously contemptuous of fluctuations in stock prices. But of course, that's not financial advice. It's just more like an expression of shaking my head and going, "This country is weird." Also: Drugs are bad. Snoop Dogg told me. Read More

You Need 2 Know About This Box!

Meet the Sunset Box, a quarterly subscription service sending home, wellness, and travel goodies straight to your doorstep, curated by editors at mag Sunset, the Western-lifestyle magazine that just so happens to be a sister company of ours.

Since you clearly have good taste (you're an N2K subscriber, after all), we think you'll love this box. Use code CHEDDAR15 for 15% off your subscription.

Gimme the Box!

Note: Sadly does not contain any cheese.

4. Alphabet Struggles to Impress Investors Despite Strong Earnings Growth

What is it with investors, huh? If I told you I'd increased my net income by a third, you'd say, "Wow, Matt, sounds like the drinks are on you!" But if you're Alphabet, Google's parent company, then it seems investors' response is to see them as 4% less valuable overall. At least, that's what just happened.

Google demonstrated sustained growth in its Q2 earnings, thanks to a recent shift in May to an AI-powered search engine, which continues to attract advertisers. CEO Sundar Pichai emphasized the expansive capabilities of AI, with the firm reporting a 14% increase in revenue for Q2, and a 29% rise in net income. WOW! Drinks are on you, Sundar!

Oh.

The firm's stock is up 30% since the beginning of the year, so it's not all terrible. But there are other headwinds. Google abandoned buying cybersecurity firm Wiz for $23 billion ("cybersecurity" firms haven't had a great run lately). The company also decided against implementing a mechanism in Chrome that would have automatically blocked third-party cookies. Because of course, me love cookies.

Google also continues to await the outcome of a Department of Justice antitrust case challenging the dominance of its search engine. But who are the DOJ, anyway, really? I mean, what are they going to do, Google how to unseat a dominant monopoly? Perhaps AI will respond, "I'm afraid I can't do that, Lina Khan." Read More

5. How Did the Rock Grow a $3.5 Billion Tequila Brand?

We sat down with Teremana CEO Richard Black to talk more about how the spirits brand is expanding into the global market. In just four years, founder Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson built the tequila brand into a global business worth almost $3.5 billion. The brand's name comes from the Latin word for earth and mana, a Polynesian concept for spirits. Its ethos is about bringing people together, bringing good energy and doing the right thing. Just like the Rock's, eh?

The Rock started the brand just before COVID, in a Mexican distillery, aging the tequila for 12 months in American oak barrels. Its affordability at just over 30 bucks a bottle, compared to higher-end (some might say "better" but they would be snobs who look down on wrestling) tequilas, makes the drink inflation-resistant, Black said. Tequila continues to thrive because of its versatility, and frankly, because Americans just love the taste of the drink, accounting for 80% of tequila sales around the world. We're number one!

As a student I used to go to a club night called Dynamite Boogaloo in Brighton, hosted by an MC called Boogaloo Stu. We would inevitably get the shots in before making a series of bad decisions. In fact, I don't think I've ever considered tequila as a relaxed sipping drink. It's always been a lick this, slam this, now bite on the lime and carry on dancing sorta vibe. A.k.a. "doing the right thing," as the Rock and Spike Lee might say. That club night was on a Thursday night and if I booked a flight right now, I could probably catch it. Except I just found out Boogaloo Stu is hosting a bingo tour nowadays, not doing club nights any longer. Because I have gotten older. Although he still has remarkably good skin. Good job, B.S.! Read More